Lovely Monster Page 4

  “What motivates you, Falon?”

  I leaned back, narrowing my brow in thought. It was only a few minutes before I finally answered, “Nothing.”

  “Nothing?” she said, her tone tinged with despair. “There is absolutely nothing that keeps you pushing forward? Nothing that keeps you sane?”

  I shook my head. “No. I'm just here, floating through until it's time to die,” I told her, shrugging slightly.

  Julie's shoulders dropped and I watched as her eyes did too. “That seems like an awfully shallow way to live,” she replied.

  “Shallow?” I asked, not being able to hold back the bitterness in my voice. Not that I ever held anything back when it came to my words. “You're going to tell me about being shallow?”

  “Yes, Falon, I am. You can't just float through life without any attachments to it. It's inhuman,” she told me, her voice holding as much vileness as mine.

  “I absolutely can. I've been doing it for nearly eighteen years now,” I replied.

  “That's not living. That's not even existing,” she said. Her green eyes were staring at me with a desperation that I didn't believe possible. She was shaking her head. “Time flies quickly, and you have to hold on with dear life to the things that make it go faster because that's what happiness is. It's when you let go that you fall and have to force yourself to your feet,” she said, her voice falling soft.

  I stared at her, and the way she believed the things she said. I wished I could be filled with that kind of determination. I wished I believed in a glass being half full, rather than broken.

  “You live your life, and I'll live mine,” I said to her.

  “That's not living,” she repeated. “All you're doing with your life is hiding,” she told me, a fierceness behind her words.

  “Yeah, well, maybe if I had hid better, I wouldn't look like a freak,” I told her, pushing the table from between us. I just needed to hit something, or yell at someone. I just wanted to break something.

  A budding friendship seemed perfect.

  But she wasn't scared by the outburst, and she didn't look ready to back down. “Who told you that you were a freak? Did I tell you that? How about your sister?” she asked.

  “I have a mirror,” I told her, looking away. I refused to look at her angered, yet compassionate, face as she spoke to me.

  “Do you know how many people would trade their problems for yours any day?” she asked. “Because I can tell you, I know a lot of kids that would rather look like the freak you claim to be than be where they are now, and I don't ever hear them calling themselves a freak, or saying they have nothing in this world!” she said loudly, standing up as abruptly as I had pushed the table.

  I looked to her, and what I saw was pure and genuine anger. I saw a girl that was ready to put me in my place if needed, and wasn't blind to my words.

  I didn't say a word, and after a moment, Julie moved, and she started toward the door. She knew I wasn't going to stop her, just as I knew I wished I could.

  She stopped, but didn't look at me. I could see the line of her face drawn together and held in serious thought.

  “If you don't care about your own life, maybe you should try caring about someone else's,” she said, looking to me. I still remained silent. Julie turned around again and walked out of the room.

  And I sat there and watched her.

  ♥

  I didn't fall asleep until the sun was beginning to shine through the windows and warm my blankets. A part of me kept expecting her to come back, and talk to me, even if she really had no reason to.

  I figure she had said everything she had wanted before she left.

  A part of me wondered why I didn't stop her. If I had lost my pride, and told her I was sorry, she may have turned around and stayed with me, like she had the night before.

  The other part of me knew it was best that I hadn't. It was better to nip all of it in the bud before it had any chance to bloom into something of value.

  I still felt like a jerk. I guess there was no cure for that.

  I wasn't going to apologize. I had nothing to apologize for. How I felt, was how I felt, and I shouldn't be forced to change that for anyone, whether they agree with my opinions or not.

  I had nothing. There wasn't anything that I wanted out of life, except to make it through without hurting anyone or getting hurt in return.

  She said I was shallow. Didn't I have a right to be shallow? Of all the people in this world, didn't I deserve some self pity?

  Do you know how many people would trade their problems for yours any day?

  She didn't know how many times I wished I could trade my problems for someone else's. She didn't know how many times I had stared at the bottle of painkillers and sleep aids, and thought about making all the pain disappear.

  She didn't know anything about my life, or my problems. Living in her glass house, with her good grades and amazing life, she knew nothing of the trials and pains I had went through.

  If you don't care about your own life, maybe you should try caring about someone else's.

  Who was I suppose to care about? Ava's? She would only be better when I was gone and on my own. Then, she wouldn't have to deal with people staring at her because she traveled around with the monster.

  Julie's? I knew nothing about her. The less, the better.

  I wasn't her. I didn't want to care for people the rest of my life. I didn't want to make people feel better when their problems weren't major.

  That was all fine and dandy for her, but not Falon Walker. No sir. The only thing I wanted to do was drive as far as I could and get away from my problems and everything that came with it.

  She had said I was hiding, and maybe I was, but it wasn't her call to make. It wasn't her life to live.

  Maybe hiding was what I did best.

  ♥

  When Ava came a few hours later, she didn't wake me up. I didn't know she was there until Dr. Marstens came in and was having a conversation with my sister.

  They looked to me as I opened my eyes, and both of them were smiling. I wanted to knock it off their faces. They had no right to smile at me like everything was beautiful and amazing.

  “Hello sunshine, guess what?” Dr. Marstens asked.

  “What, moonlight?”

  He laughed, and Ava did too. “You get out of this joint today,” he replied.

  I nodded. After that, I went back to sleep.

  ♥

  Life went back to it's normal routine when we got back home. Ava worked whenever needed, and I went back to binge watching old episodes of Andy Griffith and reading.

  I tried what Julie had said about teaching myself, but it didn't really work. I guess I couldn't find the guide, as she had said.

  I could tell Ava was worried about me. She said I was more gloomy than normal, but I wasn't. I had always been that gloomy.

  She tried to get me to call Julie. I refused.

  I had people on the internet I could talk to if I wanted. And I had me, myself, and I. Why would I search for other company?

  I probably could have convinced myself of this if Ava hadn't went on that stupid date.

  “It's just lunch, Falon,” Ava told me, but I watched her from the bed, applying her makeup. Ava never wore make up when we had lunch together.

  “With the good doctor,” I told her. “Doesn't that break doctor/patient confidentiality or something?”

  Ava glared at me through the mirror's reflection. “I'm technically your guardian. Anything he would say to me would be perfectly legal, but I highly doubt we'll be talking about you,” she informed me.

  “Are you going to sleep with him?”

  “Falon!”

  “It's a perfectly logical question. You can't possibly think I'll stay with him if I know he's banging my sister,” I told her.

  “Well, for your information, no. I won't be sleeping with him because it's only lunch. It's not like we're going on a date,” she replied.

  “It is
a date. You look nice,” I replied.

  “I always look nice.”

  “Not always,” I informed her. “Most of the time, you look like you've just got run over by a truck.”

  She came out of the bathroom, dressed in the white sundress she had, and a pair of white flats. Her glossy black hair was down in waves, and she was wearing make up.

  “You really have a great way of making people feel nice,” she told me.

  I looked her over once and then rolled my eyes. “I'm just trying to keep my sister safe. Just because he's a doctor doesn't mean he's a good guy,” I told her.

  She smiled at me. “You have to admit. He seems like a good guy. He hasn't gave you that look yet,” she replied.

  I shrugged. “I'll admit, he's okay. But remember, I am a guy, and I know how my mind works. I'll kill him if he hurts you,” I reminded her.

  Ava held out her arms, and I stood up to accept the hug she wanted me to have. It was short, because things like that seemed weird when you're sister was older than you and had boobs.

  A few minutes later, the good doctor came and picked her up, and Ava tossed me the keys and said she'd be back in a few hours. I turned on the TV, and had my phone out.

  I stayed amused for about an hour, and then somehow, my brain started leaning toward Julie.

  I started thinking more about what she had said about caring about someone else's life. Like maybe she hadn't been talking about any one person in particular.

  I though about that white crayon on my nightstand in my bedroom.

  I wondered if someone might be needing that crayon by now.

  The number to the hospital was programmed into my phone. I had basically lived there most of my life. It was like a second home by now.

  I asked if Julie Michaels was there today. The woman told me she was. I didn't need much information after that. I kind of knew where she was.

  The woman asked if I wanted her to get her for me. I told her no. I wanted it to be a surprise.

  ♥

  I didn't really have much of an excuse of why I couldn't go and see her. Of course, the original idea came back to mind. I couldn't offer her anything. Only pain.

  I was pretty good at that. Kind of an expert.

  The truth was, Julie was nice. I liked talking to her, but I also didn't want to be around her. I couldn't really explain it, only that she was interesting, and I was reaching for the stars.

  That didn't stop me from getting into my sister's car and driving to the hospital. It didn't stop me from wanting to see her.

  Somewhere along the drive, I realized I would have to apologize. I didn't do the whole apology thing too well. I'd never really apologized for much in my life. Mostly, people were always apologizing to me.

  Maybe that was why I wanted to see her. She didn't treat me like that boy with burns. She treated me more like what I was: that boy with the sarcasm and 'don't care' attitude.

  When I went into the hospital, I asked the nurse at the front desk where the children's ward was at. She lead me to the top floor, and I stumbled around from there. I peeked in a lot of rooms before I found the double doors that lead to the play area.

  I made my way in quietly. I didn't know what to really expect. Maybe a bunch of children running around, screaming at the top of their lungs, and paint splattered across the room.

  It wasn't like that. The room wasn't quiet, but no one was yelling or running. There wasn't any paint, but there were a bunch a crayons on the floor, and coloring books, and toys were scattered and being played with by children.

  Most were bald. With a cannula in their noses, or an IV wheeling around behind them. Kids with cancer, or lung problems, or heart diseases. Kids that wouldn't stare at me as if I were ugly.

  Kids that probably wished they had my problems.

  That guilt thing could really get you at the most inopportune times.

  I just stared at them, and wondered how it felt, to be so young and already know so much pain and heart ache. I had been older when my life had been severed, but the kids in here were mostly under ten. All still wet behind the ears. Still at that age where the world could be magical and forgiving.

  That had been taken away from them.

  I almost turned around and left. I started to. I turned my back to them, and took one step toward the door before her voice calling my name stopped me.

  I looked at her, standing there, her hair messed up, with a little girl clinging to her ankle and vomit on her jeans, and I couldn't imagine a more beautiful sight.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked, smiling softly. I didn't see any anger on her face, like I had seen before. Everything she had been mad about a week ago was gone.

  I shrugged, holding up the white crayon, as if it held the answers. “A peace-offering?” I told her, smiling crookedly.

  Julie bit the side of her lip, and held my gaze for what seemed like an eternity, and that was fine by me. Eternity with her didn't seem too bad for a guy like me.

  She looked down at the little girl and touched the top of her head. “Jenny, go give the new guy a hug. He's feeling lonely,” she told the little girl.

  “Actually, I'm fine-”

  The little girl jumped from Julie's leg to my waist as if a magnetism had drawn her to me. She clung to me with a tight hug that knocked the breath out of me.

  Julie was still biting her lip, smiling at the display. I knew I had to look like a fool, my arms out like I was afraid to touch the little girl, staring at Julie like she was crazy.

  When the little girl looked up at me, I realized she had Down syndrome. She was still smiling at me, and her eyes were trained on me like a hawk.

  I looked up to ask Julie to call off her kid, but Julie wasn't there anymore. I looked around the room, but I didn't see her anywhere. She had deserted me.

  “You know, frowning causes wrinkles,” she told me, and I looked down at her genuinely happy face.

  My laugh was bitter. “In case you haven't noticed, I'm covered in them,” I told the little girl.

  She rolled her eyes and giggled. “Those aren't wrinkles. They're angel kisses,” she cleared up.

  I laughed more heartily, relaxing slightly in the embrace of the little girl. “My angel must have been a prankster,” I told her, and she began to laugh loudly.

  “I want in on the joke,” Julie replied, coming up behind us with a teddy bear. She waved it at Jenny, and the little girl left me immediately for the stuffed animal.

  “His angel is a prankster, Ms. Julie,” Jenny told her. She hugged the bear as tightly as she had me, until the point that I was seriously concerned it's plastic eyeballs might pop out.

  Julie raised a brow at me, and I smiled. I seen her smiling too, and that did something inside of me. Brought things into perspective.

  “Jenny, will you go check on Mitchell for me? Pretty please?” she asked. The little girl nodded excitedly, and left, leave Julie and me together, kind of alone except for the room of children.

  I felt my mouth go dry as she came closer to me. She smelled like Play-Doh and peaches as she came within inches of me, and I felt her fingers slip into mine.

  When she let go, and lifted up the crayon in front of me, I found myself smiling at her innocent face. She held it between us and tilted her head.

  “You shouldn't keep things that aren't yours,” she told me.

  “I was returning it. Give me some credit,” I replied.

  “You've had it almost a month.”

  “I didn't figure anyone would miss the white crayon. It's not really important,” I told her, and she scoffed.

  “Every crayon is important. What if I had wanted to draw a ghost on black paper?” she asked, pursing her lips.

  And I found myself thinking about them instead of her question. Because I was a guy, and she was beautiful.

  Julie smiled at me, tilting her head. “You're staring again.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Was not,” I replied.

  She didn't look
convinced, and I wasn't going to convince her. Maybe me staring at her wasn't such a bad thing in the first place. Maybe I was just over thinking everything.

  Not that I was trying to flirt with her. I would never do that.

  She laughed, slipping her hand into mine. “Come on. I want you to meet everyone,” she told me with a smile, dragging me toward the group of kids.

  All I could manage to think about was her hand in mine.

  We stood in the center, and I looked around at all of the children. They looked at me the same way I was looking at them: as if we all were freaks, but there wasn't a problem with that. We all existed in our own little paradox.

  “Hey! Everyone!” Julie said loudly, trying to get all of their eyes to look her way. A few of the kids didn't pay her any mind, and she released my hand to bend down and throw a handful of legos at the group of boys.

  They turned and looked at her like she was crazy, and I smirked. Maybe she was, and maybe I was okay with that.

  “Thank you for your time, boys,” she told them, and then straightened back up. “This is Falon, and if anyone sees him frowning, you have my permission to throw something at him,” she replied.

  “Excuse me?” I said quickly, and listened as the kids began to laugh. I realized Julie knew exactly how to calm people down by silliness, or calmness.

  These little children didn't need to be told to respect me because I was older. They wanted to know that though I looked like a monster, I was just like them.

  Kudos to Julie.

  “Julie?” a voice called. It sounded muffled, and I looked in the direction that it came from. A boy, around my age, came from around the corner of a group of kids. He was holding a little girl's hand, and she was crying.

  Julie went to their side immediately. “What's wrong, sweetie?” she asked the little girl. Then she looked up to the guy. “What happened?”

  He looked at her and nudged toward the group of boys that Julie had thrown legos at. “She said they stuck gum in her hair. She wouldn't let me cut it though, because I'm a boy,” he said with a smile.